In the world of relationship patterns, there is a recurring static that I’m not really seeing addressed. It’s the conversations and energy exchanges that keep going in circles but somehow never seem to get to a resolution. 

When we find ourselves in a repetitive cycle, whether it’s a draining partnership, a family ghost, or a career stall, we often think we are looking for a solution. But if we audit the movement, we might find something else. Sometimes, we aren’t looking for an exit, we are looking for a witness.

A witness is someone who will sit in the room while the air is heavy with the same old smoke. They offer a nod that validates the stagnation. They provide the temporary warmth that makes it safe to stay exactly where we are. In this dynamic, empathy acts as a sedative, not a catalyst. It feels like empathy both to the receiver and the giver, but it is not. 

What it is, is one person who keeps talking about their pain and struggles, while the other at best is sitting and absorbing, at worst, they try to offer perspectives. A month later they meet again, and the same conversation takes place. On the surface the sedative works for the taker. They vent, cry it out and release some of the negative energy they carry. Except that energy doesn’t just go into the clouds, but rather is absorbed by the witness who walks away with a baggage that is not theirs. 

We all have people in our lives that carry burden, trauma, shame, pain, you name it. And we all have been in the situation when we wanted to help these people. So for those who are on a helping mission, ask yourself this question. When you walk away from an interaction with someone you tried to help, how do you feel? 

1. Do you feel compassionate and empathetic, while also light in the head and in your chest? Do you feel like your willingness to help was met, and you experience a sense of hope that it was time well spent?
2. Or do you leave drained, heavy, frustrated, confused, or even bitter, needing perhaps days to recover from the encounter? 

The challenge with those who just want a witness is not that you should leave them to their devises, but to recognize that while they are in that state, all they want from you is a quick fix. I’m using the word sedative for the third time, because thats exactly what you are to them. 

If you find yourself repeatedly explaining the “why” without ever addressing the “how,” ask yourself if this person is seeking guidance or an audience. To reference my other post about the mind being a house with a massive basement, is this person looking for help to find a map to get out of the basement, or their lived reality shows they have decorated the basement to feel like a home? 

Now flip the same question over to yourself when you reach out to someone with the intent of seeking help. Do you keep asking why your life or your relationships are miserable? Do you find yourself stuck with the question of “why nobody loves me”? If the answer is yes, you want a witness and an energy donor to your pain, not clarity or change. 

The most compassionate act isn’t always to stay in the gutter, and listen to or dwell on how bad it is down there.